


Feral Waves In Your Mind

by leap4joyak



Category: Young Avengers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Billy moved away :(, M/M, Songfic, the airborne toxic event
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-10 22:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leap4joyak/pseuds/leap4joyak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teddy sees Billy for the first time in a while.  </p>
<p>As he walked away Teddy got a whiff of his same shitty deodorant that he used when they knew each other and it smelled like Billy’s smile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this came to me in math class while I was taking a test. I feel it’s indicative. Have fun.  
> Recommended Listening: Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborne Toxic Event, Blister in the Sun by Violent Femmes

The bar was seedy, there was no way to sugar coat it. It had too-dim lights in some places, to bright in others, and a bad, angsty, and rather nihilistic band playing too loudly. But the drinks were cheap and well made, so Teddy and Kate made a point of gracing the establishment with their patronage after every big exam either of them had. This night was the night after a rather important math test for Teddy. 

It was right around midnight and he was alone and on edge, Kate having left earlier with an apology for a date with her older, stranger boyfriend. Something had him on this edge tonight specifically though; he had a feeling in the pit of his stomach that something new was about to happen. There was a change on the horizon, close, and Teddy wasn't sure if he liked the possibility.

Then, Teddy saw him. Billy, William Kaplan. (Later, Kate asked if he was sure from that very moment, but he’d know those eyes anywhere). He was wearing a white shirt that made him look less pale, though teddy thought he might have just gotten less pale. He’s changed his hair - instead of being messy, like he remembered, it was styled and a bit spiky. But when their eyes met, all those old memories came crashing back to Teddy-

(-We met in a park, with Nate, who’s gone. We were happy for a while. Not long enough, really, not nearly long enough. Our first time, in my bedroom while my mom was working. Our second time, in my bedroom after she was gone. Her dying, him after she died. Eli, Jonas. Cassie. Those months in between when I thought we could fix this.

Going to his house to find Rebecca packing up and apologizing but Billy needed to leave, to be away from this place [from me, but she wouldn't say it] from these memories I’m sorry Teddy I have to do what’s best for my son, my family he’s already in Arizona-)

-and he could tell that Billy recognized him. Billy took a steadying drink of whatever clear liquid he’s chosen for his poison this evening and twitched an eyebrow. He turned, broke eye contact, to laugh with a man Teddy didn't know (he got a sick pleasure in the fact that the laugh didn't reach Billy’s eyes) and Teddy closed his eyes to take a deep breath for what felt like a moment but was obviously longer because when he opened them again Billy was four feet away from him, clutching his drink so hard his knuckles were white but otherwise perfectly faking nonchalance.

“Teddy,” he said, like a statement. Teddy knew it was a question, meant to clarify whether or not what he was seeing was real.

It took him a moment to snap out of his thoughts. “Billy,” he said slowly; softly, for the same reason Billy’s was a question. It was incredibly awkward.

“How’ve you been?” Billy asked, and that was a loaded question. The look in Billy’s eyes told Teddy that the other was thinking the exact same thing, and of the exact same things.

“Good,” he was actually talking like a normal person, “I’m going to Georgetown University, same as Kate.” Better stay away from any and all discussion of the past, he thought. “What’re you doing here?”

Billy gave a wry half smile. It’s so different from his old smiles Teddy thought. “I’m here specifically because my friend’s girlfriend is in this crappy band - luckily enough everyone except the lead singer knows they suck,” shit when did Billy learn to flirt, “I’m here in general because I’m going to GW for journalism,” This is why I loved you Teddy thought because you’re very good at words, “How about you, what’s your major?” Billy took a drink from his glass, never breaking eye contact.

“Criminal psychology. I got a scholarship from the FBI,” Teddy answered, “I like your hair.”

“Yeah,” his hand went to touch the shorter and styled cut, “I’m not sure if I do.” Teddy noticed that he had a number of bracelets on his wrist, a couple of rings on his (amazingly long and very talented) fingers. He had also gotten an eyebrow piercing, small and nondescript. Billy was amazingly different. 

Teddy started, “Do y-”

He was cut off by the shitty band of the day when they launched into a miraculously pour rendition of Blister in the Sun, and Billy shrugged, a bit defeated, and walked back over to the small pod of friends he had left. As he walked, Teddy got a whiff of his same shitty deodorant that he used when they knew each other and it smelled like Billy’s smile. Teddy felt like he was going to cry.

He watched Billy talk briefly to his friends, grab a jacket from a chair, and walk towards the stairs leading to the door, preceded by the same guy Teddy had noticed him laughing with earlier. Before he followed the man out, he looked over to where Teddy still stood, staring, and the locked eyes. They kept it as he pushed the door open again, and then Billy was gone.

In the back of his head, Teddy realized that he was starting to get frantic. He couldn't feel his heart yet, but he started breathing hard.He stood there, frozen with shock, until, without really thinking or consenting to the movement, he started toward the door and before he knew it he was outside and sprinting. He was a quarter of a mile away before he realized that he didn't know where to go or where he was going. (He was also being stared at by a random couple on the street). Teddy didn't feel solid in his skin, could feel it shifting. It wasn't enough for his appearance to truly change, but it was incredibly disconcerting.

Teddy texted his intersection to Kate, along with an apology for interrupting her date and a request to be picked up, and did a wall sit to try to get his heart rate down. He also started crying, out of anger and fear and residual wounds reopened and loneliness and love. I still love you he said to Billy, in his head, I’m still so in love with you. I miss you, so much.

He slid down the wall and put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands and there weren't tears left, he just breather and tried to not breath too much, to not break down anymore than he already was before Kate got there. It took about five minutes. Once her purple bug pulled up to the curb, he stood up. She got out of the car and pulled him into a tight embrace on sight that got him crying again. He let out a harsh sob and she rubbed circles on his back. Teddy and Kate stood like that, sobbing and comforting respectively, until Teddy finally said, muffled into her shoulder, “I saw Billy,” though saying it made it worse, made it real.

“Oh honey,” she said, but nothing more, and kept holding on.

“Did you know? That he would be there?” he asked.

“Of course not. I mean, I knew he was in town, going to school here, but I would've come tonight if I’d known.” Teddy sighed, and out his cheek on her shoulder, facing away from her. He felt too big and too small at the same time.

After a few moments more, Teddy said, “I need to see him.”

Kate pulled back, to look in his face, search it for some sort of insecurity. “Are you sure,” she said, another question-statement. Teddy took a deep breath in and nodded. She put a hand on his cheek and smiled sadly. They both, as if prompted by an invisible trigger, walked over to the car and got in.

Teddy had to see Billy needed, he needed it. And he knew it might break him in half.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy makes a friend during his first week at Phoenix Heights High School.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is meant to be read after chapter one, but happens about three years earlier chronologically. This fic is going to jump around a lot in timeline, but I will keep you informed of when stuff is happening.

During Billy’s week day at Phoenix Heights High School, he made a friend. It was entirely by accident, but it was exactly one more friend than he’d made in his school in New York. (Outside of school, of course, was a different story). The accident happened between first and second period, when he body checked her (the girl who became his friend) in the middle of the hallway. She nearly fell down, only barely missed it by Billy shooting one of his hands to grab her flailing one and pull her back and into him. She _did_ spill most of her coffee on the floor, the rest onto a random student who shot her a dirty look before speeding toward their next class.

“Bitch,” she muttered under her breath, shaking her head at the girl who rushed away. She looked a Billy with an almost reproachful look, though it wasn’t mean. “Ho _ney_ ,” she said, “you Don’t need to look so scared of me.”

Billy looked down, still a bit scared. In New York, something like that would have gotten him thrown in a trash can by lunch time. He thought here might be better, but he didn’t want to risk it with eye contact. Before either he or the girl could do anything else, the two minute warning bell rang.

“Crap,” she said, and put her now empty paper coffee cup into her bag. She put a hand on Billy’s shoulder before she went fully away, and said, “Chin up, soldier,” with a smile, “It gets better than this.”

Billy smiled, and looked down, and kept walking.

XXX

This, obviously, is not enough to imply a friendship, but during lunch that afternoon she plopped down across from Billy at one of the lunch tables, her bag coming after.

“I’m Reagan,” she said, with no other introduction. She had honey blonde hair, pulled up into a braided crown on her head, and she looked vaguely like Kirsten Dunst around the eyes.

“That’s a truly unfortunate name,” Billy responded, “I’m Billy.”

“He was in office when my mother got full citizenship. Don’t blame me. It’s nice to meet you Billy,” she said, “What brings you to our fair high school, because I’m guessing it’s not the company.”

“Oh it is. You’re all such brilliant conversationalists.” This was probably the longest interaction Billy had had with someone who wasn’t his mom or ( _Don’t think that name_ ) in four months. It was definitely the most lively that he’d had in that time. Maybe the sun _was_ helping. He was surprised that he was actually _trying_ at this conversation. “No I came here to escape previous entanglements; well, more accurately my mom made me come to avoid them.”

“I wish my mom would do that for me,” Reagan replied, bitter.

The conversation stagnated, Billy eating the slop from the lunch line and Reagan munching on an apple she had pulled from her bag, until Billy asked, “Why are you here?”

“ _Here_ specifically, as in at this table, or _here_ in general, as in in Phoenix slash alive?” she asked, and Billy felt like an idiot for not seeing that sass coming.

“The first one,” Billy answered, “I’m not feeling the existentialism today. I mean, I can’t see someone like you wanting to sit with the new kid who radiates _outcast __.”_

Reagan sighed. “See that table of vapid people over there?” she asked, looking behind her and pointing to a group of, yes, very vapid looking teenage girls. Billy nodded. “Middle chick with the very nice blonde hair used to be my second best friend. Then I slept with her boyfriend when we were both fairly drunk. That tends to make even the preppiest of people outcasts as well.”

“That sucks,” Billy said.

“Eh,” Reagan replied, though Billy knew how to spot when someone was trying to minimize their own pain, “it could be worse. So what are you trying to get away from?”

It occurred to Billy, vaguely, that they were taking turns asking each other personal questions as opposed to having an actual conversation. He didn’t really mind, but it still stung in his chest when he had to say, “I had two friends that died. I,” he paused, “didn’t really take it well. Why did you sleep with her boyfriend?”

“I’m sorry about your friend,” Reagan replied, “and because I was drunk and she and I were fighting and I wanted to get back at her. It was a Monumental Mistake. I don’t even like the guy. How’d they die?”

“I lived in New York City, how the fuck do you think?” Billy asked venomously.

“See I didn’t know where you lived. Thank you for telling me. And my guess is some sort of superhero related incident, from the way you’re talking.”

Billy hadn’t really talked to someone outside his family (or _him_ ) for almost four months. This conversation was deeper than any he’d had since almost before that. He didn’t know that he’d get pissed when someone mentioned Cassie and Jonas without knowing that it tore the world apart, or should have. He hated that they’d be forgotten, that they’d died, while _he_ , who was so infinitely less worthy of being here, would live. He hated that he was the only one who remembered enough to stop the madness that had got them there (he hated that Eli remembered.) He hated that Kate and Teddy still wanted to do things that would hurt them, and hurt their friends. He hated that he was just realizing this now.

He didn’t show any of that to Reagan, who didn’t deserve his anger. Instead he said, “Yeah, that’s an accurate description of what happened.”

“Is it my turn or yours at this point?” Reagan asked.

“Mine. So why did you choose to come over to eat with me, specifically?” he replied.

“Because I think you have potential. And it’s kind of nice to be around someone who doesn’t know the full extent of the rumor mill. Do you want to go to California with me for the weekend?”

“Sure. Why?” Billy said/asked.

“Because _California_. Because I’m driving to the Mojave Desert in my shitty car to take pictures of oases and I would like someone to talk to on the way. Can we clear it with your parents after school?” Reagan asked as the bell for fifth hour rang.

“Yeah, my locker’s 610, meet me there after school. Are you sure your parents will let you go?”

“My _parent_ , singular. And mom’s always said that if I can get someone to go with me and get all my homework done I can go on any damn road trip I want,” she stood up from the bench and held out her hand. When he took it to shake, she said, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” and let go, and walked away.

“Movie references? Really?” Billy yelled back.

“Gotta love _Casablanca_ , bitch!”

It took until he was in his seat for fifth hour for Billy to notice that he was smiling, really smiling, for the first time in months.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy and Teddy have a coffee date. The question game is played.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recomended listening: _All These Things That I've Done_ by the Killers.

Teddy started seeing Billy everywhere, after that.

Just after he moved to Arizona, Teddy remembered thinking that he saw him, in a stranger’s hair or a classmate’s laugh or a particular blue shirt. Now, it was worse because he started to see him in a dark haired boy’s eyebrow piercing, rings on the clerk in the grocery store. He was being haunted by someone he didn't even know.

Kate, in her infinite greatness, had taken to stalking Billy’s various social media outlets, but he didn't use them enough for it to pay off. If she went too far back, she started running into pictures of Cassie, so she didn't do it much.

Kate did learn, however, that Billy was enrolled at GW for journalism (and political science), and that he hadn't been in an “official” relationship since Teddy. None of these things really helped Teddy locate him, so he continued to notice Billy everywhere, until, as he was going to the metro for class, Teddy saw the actual him.

He was running with a blonde girl Teddy remembered from a few of the choice photographs Kate had shown him, and was wearing ridiculously tight pants and damned if they weren't the best thing Teddy’d seen in awhile. The pair ran past across the street, and Teddy called out, “Hey, Billy!”

The boy (man at second glance) turned, and looked slightly surprised. He backhanded his companion lightly, and the two crossed the street at a light jog, Billy leading. “Hi,” Billy said, and after a meaningful pause continued, “Oh, this is my roommate slash Best Friend Five-ever, Reagan. Reagan, this is my ex-boyfriend, Teddy.”

“Five-ever? Really?” Reagan said, “Hi, Teddy, it’s nice to meet you. You seem entirely too optimistic about the state of the world to have been our charming Bill’s boyfriend,” at this she put an arm around Billy’s shoulder, “but I’ll try not to hold that against you. And I do really have to go, I have Rollins in half an hour.”

“I’m going to stay and talk to Teddy, methinks,” Billy replied, almost sly, “are we still on for lunch, though?”

“Yeah, three o’clock at Jay by Day unless one of us texts otherwise,” She turned away and started to jog towards the Metro stop, “Nice to meet you, charming blonde boy!”

“Run Reagan run, don’t be late to your history of all politics ever class!” Billy shouted.

“Go to hell, angsty pierced boy!” she yelled as she started down the stairs to the underground.

Billy shook his head, looking exasperated but fond. Teddy was jealous. “I’m sorry about her,” Billy rolled his eyes, “I know she can be a little overbearing, especially around new people.”

“High maintenance relationship?” Teddy asked, smiling.

Billy laughed. “You could say that, I guess. She's just brash and gorgeous enough to make a kick ass corporate attorney one day.”

Teddy huffed a laugh. “So how are things at school?” he asked.

“Um, I have a really interesting Recent History class at the moment. The rest is pretty boring, actually,” Billy answered, “Who knew that college would just be an extension of high school, right?”

“Yeah,” Teddy laughed out. It was cool to be talking again. “So, journalism, huh?” But it was mostly just awkward.

“Yeah, I want to find a way to use my talent at words constructively.” Still awkward. “Do you maybe want to go get some coffee? I feel like catching up is a thing we should do.” No longer awkward.

Teddy smiled an almost fake smile that he knew made him look handsome. “That sounds awesome,” coy was never his thing.

“Alright, I have to shower, and I have a class at noon, but how about tomorrow at 10:00 am? There’s a coffee shop I know on the 3500 block of M street, you can’t miss it,” Billy said.

After a stunned moment, Teddy said, “Yeah, alright. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Billy started running again, the opposite as Reagan had done, to complete what Teddy assumed was a daily running circuit. If Teddy aced a pop quiz in statistics that day because he was feeling great, that was neither here nor there.

XXX

Teddy spent most of the night agonizing with Kate (who, he thought, was probably secretly amused at his reaction) and nothing much was decided besides that he ought to be ten minutes late - that meant exactly on time because he was ten minutes early for everything, as a rule - and he should wear his denim-ish looking blue button up. That was all.

So he sat there, exactly on time in his blue button up and pulled out a book, trying to look like he was a) actually interested in his reading for sociology, and b) not incredibly nervous.

Billy, Teddy remembered, was late to almost everything. He seemed to have kept that trait, and blew into the seat across from Teddy eight - he checked his watch - minutes late.

“Sorry I’m late, Reagan can’t drive in city traffic,” Billy said breathlessly, “She had to drop me off two blocks from here because she wasn't assertive enough to change lanes.”

“Shakespeare said it’s better three hours too early than a minute too late,” Teddy teased, not looking up from his book.

“Am I too late?” Billy asked, a smile in his voice.

Teddy dog eared his page. “No, not _too_ late, I suppose. How are you, Billy?”

“I’m pretty solid,” he was still smiling; he looked _happy_ , though Teddy had no idea why. “And yourself?”

“Other than my barely-passing grade in Sociology? I’m doing okay.”

“Why are you barely passing your sociology class?” Billy asked.

“Because it’s at 8:15 on Monday morning, the Professor can barely speak English, and the reading is drier than the Sahara,” Teddy said without pause.

Billy laughed, a little meanly. “Our sociology prof. is great.”

They continued like that, trying to one-up each other on how their classes, their respective assignments and opportunities that would be coming with their programs, and housing situations were for a good twenty minutes, when Billy asked, “Do we want to get coffee?”

“Sure, yeah,” Teddy responded, starting up.

Billy was faster, and was already walking to the counter, wallet out, and asked, “Still a double shot Americano with room, right?”

“Yeah.” They used to share the bills on their dates. It was a thing. This whole situation was getting very strange.

Billy came and sat down again, briefly, while the singular barrista made their coffee. He had a croissant with him, and he pulled some of it off and offered it to Teddy. He took it. It was an excellent pastry, but it didn't mitigate the strangeness.

They didn't say anything for the brief time it took for the coffee to be completed. Billy scampered up to get them, and stopped at the small table with sweeteners and cream. He picked out a few packets of sugar, and Teddy appreciated how much Billy’d grown into his body. He’d filled out a bit, and even though his t-shirt was still loose it didn't look too big; his face had lost its fat and in the light looked vaguely impish. He was beautiful, in a way that he hadn't been before. It added to the strangeness.

“Alright, so, this whole small talk thing is about nine kinds of Not My Style, so we’re going to play the Question Game!” this was also strange, Billy rarely made pronouncements.

“And what’s that?” Teddy asked trepidatiously.

“It’s the game where we take turns asking questions of the other and answering them until the allotted period is up. In this case,” he pulled out his phone, “twenty five minutes. I have to go to class after that. You go first.”

“What’s the point of this game?” Teddy asked.

“To get as many answers as you can without having to go through all the trouble of communicating on a larger scale. It only works if you’re honest, by the way, so don’t lie,” Billy said, “So why did you choose criminal psych?”

“Partially because I liked the recruiter. He said that working as an FBI agent was like being a superhero with more paperwork. It was a nice turn of phrase. Also because I don’t have to pay for most of it. Why do you want to be a journalist?”

Billy sighed. ( _He’s much more expressive than me_ Teddy thought). “Because I want to be able to do something constructive with my words, instead of just having them end up hurting people. How’s Kate?”

“She’s seeing a guy who, from everything I've been able to get out of her, is older and probably an alcoholic. Other than that, she’s great, happy as a clam.” Teddy decided to ask the most pressing question he had, “Why did you leave?”

Billy sighed again, and took a drink of his coffee beverage. “I guess...a few reasons?” It seemed that Billy hadn't answered this question for himself yet. “Mostly because I trust my mom. She came into my room one day when I was too sad to go to school and asked in the not-a-question, mom way if I’d like Arizona. I said yes, obviously.

“Also, I was so fucking sad, Teddy, you have no idea. And angry, mostly with myself, but with everyone a little bit too. I thought about trying to undo it, actually, I was thinking about finding a world where none of that shit went down and just starting from the beginning again. I knew it wouldn't work though, I started to get that magic doesn't come for free. So I left, because I didn't want to be in a place that made me want to fix things that I couldn't, I guess. Really, it was mostly because my mom told me that we were moving,” Billy shrugged, “I don’t know, I can’t change the past, even if I _wanted_ too. What happened to you after we left?”

Teddy had barely had time to comprehend what Billy’d said when he answered. “I moved in with Kate. The state didn't mind that, and your mom recommended it as a foster home until college. Did I factor into your decision at all?”

“In all honesty? Not all that much. Right after they died, I couldn't really think of anything except how much I hated myself and how much I’d failed everyone I cared about. So when my mom said we were leaving, I left without thinking about _who_ I was leaving, just _what_. And yes, because I can see your next question, Teddy, I did love you. You were a lot more than I deserve. But, in retrospect, I think that leaving let me avoid ending up like Wanda did.” Billy paused, trying to come up with a question. “Was everything really alright, after I left? Mom tried to keep a line on you, but there was only so much access we had from Arizona.”

Teddy’s face was a wall, a blank slate, and it was so very different from Billy’s incredibly expressive one. He shrugged, to give some semblance of what he felt inside - anger, reopened wounds, disbelief. “I survived,” he said, “I lived with Kate, went to school, trained with the Avengers occasionally, but not very often. I just lived, and I tried not to think about any of what happened to much. How about you, what did you do?”

“Well, I met Reagan on my very first day at the new high school, and we hit it off. I had a few boyfriends, nothing very serious, and most of them were still closeted so the relationships never lasted very long. I made actual friends, people who actually liked me for me - as opposed to my powers, or whatever - for what felt like the first time. I did really well in school, actually, I was second in line for valedictorian behind this girl whose parents were _major_ hippies named Harmony. I had a life,” Billy said all of this with the air of genuine surprise that people get when they can’t quite believe that life has been good to them. “Did you make any friends?”

“No.” Simple, to the point. “Do you ever miss it?”

“Miss what?”

“Being a superhero.”

“No. I don’t think you understand, this thing I can do, wish-magic, or whatever, it’s a curse. I hate that I can, that I control shit without really trying. It’s not something that I have any intention of fucking with, ever again, there’s too much possibility for collateral,” he answered.

Before Billy could ask a question, Teddy said, “There’s always going to be collateral, that’s just the nature of the beast. You could save so many people, Billy, you have that potential.

The way Billy looked at him, then, was almost horrifying. It was all the anger and self loathing he had ever felt in one glower, and it almost made Teddy’s skin crawl. “Yeah, I could save people. I’m not being brave. But I don’t know if I’d be able to handle what would inevitably happen, what happens every time I use my powers, and that’s a lot of people I care about ending up hurt. When I first used them I nearly killed someone, became a superhero, and just generally fucked a lot of shit up. Second time I did anything major two people I love were killed. I’m not taking the chance again. And it was my question, jerk,” this was his attempt to lighten the mood, “Why do you want me to be that, anyways?”

Teddy said, “I guess because I wanted to see how you compare with how you were. The kid I knew would've done literally anything, if it could help people. I’d like to hear your response to that. That’s my question.”

“Alright, a) I’m not a kid anymore, I’m an adult who has to make adult decisions based on all the available information, so I _have_ ; b) maybe I think the best way for me to help people is to just stay the fuck away,” this conversation was getting surprisingly venomous, “did that ever occur to you?”

“Not really, but then again I’m not half as introspective as you are. Do you have the receipt?”

Billy fished it out of the pocket of his just-verging-on-too-tight jeans. It was a bit rumpled, but it’d suffice. “Here, why?”

“I just need it. You will not be getting it back. When do you have to leave again?” Teddy fished a pen out of his computer bag.

Billy checked his phone. “Shit, like, three minutes. What are you writing on there?”

“Occasionally I’ll have a thought that I can’t get rid of but I can’t say in polite company, so I’ll write it somewhere and burn it when I get home. It’s effective, for the most part. Shouldn't you get going?”

“I’m getting picked up, Reagan is texting me when she gets here. And come one, let’s see. We’re not in polite company here.” Billy pulled the piece of paper from under Teddy’s fingers and read the writing. His face didn't change, and he also pulled the pen from Teddy’s hands to write something beneath what Teddy had. “The latter, obviously,” he said, while he handed the receipt back to Teddy and stood, “and I’ll talk to you later, I just felt my phone buzz. And feel free to share that with Kate!” he added that to the end, as he was walking out the door.

Teddy looked at the receipt.

_I wonder if all this anger is a result of him hating the world or hating himself._

_520-306-1006._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has question about this story, or wants to document my slow decline in madness because of it, feel free to hit me up on tumblr at passiveaggressivegummybear.tumblr.com.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Billy makes a life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended Listening: _How to Be a Heartbreaker_ by Marina and the Diamonds (less the actual message of the song than the tone).

Billy was surprised at how easy it was for Reagan to extort his mother into letting him get into her admittedly shitty car and drive two states over to go see more reddish desert dirt and apparently “special” trees and oasises. She just said it was for a school project and that they’d be back by three o’clock on Sunday so Billy could get his homework done. He guessed his mom said yes mostly because she was happy that he had made a friend. Mrs. Kaplan even gave them $100 dollars for food and gas.

“Your mom is great,” Reagan said as they got into her car.

“She really is,” Billy replied.

They didn't talk much on the drive, they just listened to their respective iPods on the car stereo and Billy watched the world whiz by while Reagan drove an average of ten miles above the speed limit. Their plan was the drive most of Friday and sleep in her car, spend Saturday in Joshua Tree National Park and around the Mojave Desert taking pictures of things and sleep in her car, and drive back Sunday. It was mid-January, so it the heat was just this side of oppressive in the car and they drove with the windows as far down as they went just to feel the air and smell the creosote. Reagan’s honey blonde hair caught the afternoon light and reflected it back in the car; it gave the entire front half of the vehicle a yellow glow. When they parked the car to sleep, Billy stared at the stars and Reagan dozed and it might have been romantic if Billy wasn't gay.

(For the record, that was the first thing Billy said when he got in the car for the road trip. “I’m gay, just so you know.”

“I figured,” she had replied, “and even if you weren't, I’m allergic to relationships.”)

It was on that road trip, while they drove around and found shitty diners to eat in and Billy took pictures of Reagan in the admittedly beautiful natural landmarks and definitely when he stared at the stars on Saturday night that Billy decided to change who he was. In New York, before the Young Avengers were a thing, he was picked on mercilessly, and it bit him in the ass. In New York, while the Young Avengers were a thing, he was almost feared and left alone for the most part (what happened to Keesler seemed to have been an effective warning to prospective bullies). That wasn't what he wanted here, and he had nothing to lose if he tried to make friends, as Reagan was the opposite of judgmental.

So he decided, on a warm Saturday night on top of of the car of a girl who didn't know very well, while watching the stars (of which there were more than he thought was rationally possible) to change. And change he did.

He didn't try to change how he looked, or who he _really_ was, but he resolved that on Monday morning he would get over his blinding social anxiety and talk to at least one person that he didn't know and wasn't one of his teachers. So in second period AP Chem, he sat next to a slim and relatively tall Mexican boy he didn't know in and tried.

“What’re you reading?” Billy asked, nodding towards the boy’s book. His voice was a little horse from disuse, and he had to try twice to get the words out.

The boy seemed startled to be addressed by a stranger, and replied, “Oh, umm, _Slaughterhouse Five_.”

“That’s Vonnegut, right?” Billy asked. He’d read _Slaughterhouse Five_ , of course he’d read _Slaughterhouse Five_ , but he was trying to make a friend.

“Yeah, it’s really good. Strange, and it wasn't really what I was expecting after _Cat’s Cradle_ , but I like it a lot,” the boy closed the book, “What do you like to read?”

“This and that. I’m on a real dystopia binge right now; I just finished _1984_ and _Brave New World_. I’m Billy, by the way.”

“Jeremy,” Jeremy replied to the unspoken question, sticking out his hand. Billy shook it. The teacher started the class. They were working on thermal dynamics.

XXX

Billy made two friends in his first full week at Phoenix Heights High School: the aforementioned Jeremy, who turned out to be second generation Costa Rican, not Mexican; and Harmony, a girl with all the trappings of a ginger and weird hippie parents, who had a lot of Problems with Reagan. Billy had a movie night two weeks after The Roadtrip (he was starting to mark it as among the most transformative experiences of his life), and he almost physically forced Reagan and Harmony to fix their problems by locking them in his garage. It took nearly the entirety of an episode of Buffy, but after that the four of them were a family.

XXX

His first boyfriend in Phoenix was a freshman with a crush named Alex who was almost a body double for Logan Lerman, and Billy was his first kiss. It made Billy feel old, and jaded. It ended mostly because Alex was still in the closet to his peers and Billy wasn't willing to hide for him. They lasted four weeks, when being with someone who couldn't stand himself got to be too much for Billy, and he ended it.

(For the record, Billy could hardly stand _himself_ very much, but at least he had some self confidence).

XXX

Billy met his second Phoenix boyfriend, Brian, in the high school’s very inactive GSA. He was tall, black, a basketball player, and reminded Billy of Eli in an uncomfortable way. He also had ex drama, and broke up with Billy after two and a half weeks and a few unproductive make-outs. Billy didn't try to pretend that he wasn't relieved.

XXX

On Billy’s 16 birthday he had a party. Jeremy and Reagan and Harmony and a few of their other friends came, about ten people all together. Tommy ran in from New York. They didn't talk about it.

XXX

Billy had a brief flirtation with a boy from Fresno who came in for a swim meet. He was long and gorgeous and had a body like a Greek God, but he left after the weekend. That didn't stop them from getting to third base in the back of Reagan’s car, though (she had loaned it to him, because she was out of town for a debate meet). Billy forgot his name by the next weekend and it made him a little bit like a whore, and he wasn't sure if he hated the feeling.

XXX

Billy found that he was good at track. He could get into a zone and just run and not think about anything for a bit. He had never had the time or inclination to do it before, but Jeremy was in track too, so he had someone to talk to on the bus on the way to meets. He liked feeling the altitude that he hadn't quite gotten used to yet in his lungs when he came in eighth, or fifth, or, one time, second. He started building up muscle in his legs, and in his stomach from warm ups, and he loved that.

XXX

Three weeks before the end of the year Billy was out of school for two days. He had made himself physically ill because he saw Cassie’s face on his Facebook while posting photos from a track meet. He couldn't remember the last time he had thought of her, thought of any of them. He started to hear their voices is his head.

( _What’re you doing, Billy? This isn't you, you don’t do this Cassie said to him._ )

(Jonas: _Phoenix is rumored to hold the happiest people, because of all the sun. I hope that you’re happy, Billy._ )

(Kate: _You really should come home, this is the coward’s way out._ )

(Eli: _I think you did the right thing, it’ll keep people safer, that’s why I went._ )

(Tommy: _Katie’s right, magic hands. Besides, Mom wants you to be here._ )

(Teddy: _...I’m sorry that I wasn't enough for you. I’m sorry I wasn't what you needed._ )

Billy cried. He started getting hysterical. He started sobbing on his bed.

_I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I wasn't good enough, I couldn't stop it, I couldn't save you, I can’t even save myself, I’m not ever going to be enough, I’m sorry I’m sorry **I’m sorry**_ he said back to them in his head. _I never wanted this._

He was at least clever enough to not go to pieces while anyone was home.

XXX

Reagan came to his house after school the next day with chicken soup her wonderful French mother made specifically for upset stomachs, and told Billy’s mom that she hadn’t been sick since she got Measles when she was three. She came into Billy’s room and took one look at him and said, “Oh honey,” and let him put his head in her lap and sob while she ran her fingers through his hair and whispered sweet nothings. After that, he told her everything. The whole damn story, from beginning to end, superheroes and time travel and aliens and magic and all. She shook her head and said, “New Yorkers,” under her breath and hugged him almost tight enough to break bones and he hugged back and breathed in the smell of her conditioner.

“Billy?” she said after a while.

“Yeah?”

“You probably won't believe me, but none of what happened is your fault. And even if it was, which it wasn't, hating yourself isn't going to help anything,” she replied.

Billy sighed and didn't respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going to start scheduled weekly updates, but not until my excitement on this fic starts going down.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended listening: [Best imitation of myself](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaZOxnlZKUY/), by The Ben Folds Five.
> 
> TW for the beginnings of a mugging.

Teddy sat in the cafe for about five minutes, trying to make sense of what had just happened. When it didn't work, he texted Kate, who was staked out at an ice cream/frozen yogurt parlor across the street in case of extreme emotional distress.

Teddy: _That was strange. Can you come over here?_

She didn't respond, but two minutes later Teddy saw the purple of her coat glowing, caught by the sun, in the doorway of the mostly empty coffee shop. “So what happened?" she asked after crossing the room and taking the seat so recently vacated by Billy.

"Well he gave me his number, so that's something," he replied, a bit biting. "We played the question game."

Kate cringed. "That's rarely fun. How did it go?"

"He seems to have changed a lot, at least superficially,” Teddy quirked an eyebrow from annoyance, “I can't tell if he's changed in the important ways, though. And when have you played the question game?"

"I do it with the boyfriend, sometimes. Asking him direct questions is the only way to get any kind of emotional accountability out of him. But how _is_ he, in general." (Sometimes Teddy forgot that Billy had been Kate’s friend too).

"I don't know, I wasn't really focused on his general mental state. He told me to give you his number, too, though,” Teddy snapped.

"Teddy,” Kate said, a bit patronizingly, “I get that you just saw your ex-boyfriend for the first time in nearly three years and that _has_ to have been emotional for you, but it’s no excuse for biting my head off."

Teddy sighed, and deflated. "I know. I'm sorry. It's just..." he looked off into middle distance, trying to find a word for what he was feeling.

"Yeah," Kate said, gingerly taking his hand, palm side up, "yeah. I know."

XXX

After that it was midterms, and Teddy put angsting about Billy on the back burner in favor of actually doing well on the exams. He only ended up having trouble on two of them, Sociology and Calculus, but he was never not going to have trouble on those two, so.

Midterms gave Teddy a moment to _breathe_ ; they forced him to focus on something _other_ than Billy, which, he knew, he normally wouldn't have. So, for two weeks he immersed himself in Psych 101, Classical Philosophy, Chem Lab, Sociology, etc. He lost himself, a little bit, and it was emotionally (if not physically) refreshing.

Those two weeks ended quickly, though, and as soon as he was finished with the last exam, he started thinking about Billy again. So, Teddy sat in the kitchen of the apartment he shared with Kate the day after midterms ended and stared at his phone and wondered what he should do.

(He’d sent Billy his number, of course, with a quick, _Hey, it’s Teddy :)_ not five minutes after he had left the cafe.)

In any case, he was still sitting at the kitchen table having a staring contest with his phone when Kate walked out of their shared bathroom, hair and body in towel and bathrobe respectively.

“Should I call him?” Teddy asked when Kate sat down. There was no need to elaborate between the two.

“Has _he_ called _you_?” she asked, pulling her hair from the towel and beginning to run her fingers through it. Teddy gave her a look. Kate rolled her eyes. “Then no. Text him, or better, send a seemingly mass text about your happiness at the completion of midterms or something. Calling him would be weird, everything is done over text now.”

“How is it that you’re so good at this stuff but your boyfriend is such a sketch ass?” Teddy asked, not unkindly.

Kate glared at him. “A) My boyfriend is not a sketch ass, he’s an emotionally stunted man with a major guilt complex who is also _amazingly_ bad at relationships. Moreover, we only consider our thing as _dating_ about half the time. B) I _get_ Billy, and there’s a chance that he’ll get scared off if you come on too strong,” she answered.

“I don’t think that you’re giving Billy enough credit. He’s not as scared as you seem to think.” _Why is it that I’m already willing to defend him?_ Teddy thought.

Kate smiled sadly. “Maybe you’re right. I hope I’m wrong. But he didn't come to the memorial, and that doesn't bode too well.”

Teddy shook his head and texted Billy. Kate sighed and went to her room.

XXX

Teddy: _MIDTERMS. OVER. YES_  
Billy: _I KNOW RIGHT_  
Teddy: _Like you even had a hard time, Mr Current-Events-Is-My-Hardest-Class_  
Billy: _hey now. hey now. there’s no need to b nasty. and the class actually IS difficult (coughSOCIOLOGY?cough)_  
Teddy: _CHEMISTRY. CALCULUS_  
Billy: _Current Events. statistics. business math and media. american literature._  
Teddy: _sigh. truce?_  
Billy: _I HAVE BESTED YOU IN COMBAT_  
Teddy: _calm down, thor. i could still kick your ass_  
Billy: _see, i’m not sure that’s true anymore. in related news, i have yoga. ttfn_  
Teddy: _your gay is showing._

XXX

Billy: _sorry that took so long, i had yoga and then reading tender is the night for lit_  
Teddy: _ah fitzgerald. how is it?_  
Billy: _very much in his style. he does the best imitation of himself_  
Teddy: _i love that song._  
Billy: _i love that song because steven colbert. who says public radio is worthless_  
Billy: _can i just like, livetext you my reading? u’r a hell of a lot more entertaining than this swill_  
Teddy: _as long as you don’t mind me livetexting you back._  
...  
Billy (9:05 pm): _alright, it’s time for a study break. how do you feel about pad thai?_  
Teddy: _like it’s the buddah’s gift to mankind (other than, you know, enlightenment)_  
Billy: _great! i’ll pick you up in ten_  
Billy: _wait, i need ur adress_  
Teddy: _(so he’s not a stalker)_  
Teddy: _56l Connecticut Avenue_  
Billy: _you live on CONNECTICUT AVENUE???_  
Teddy: _DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE_  
Billy: _yes, mom. but CONNECTICUT AVENUE?_

XXX

True to his word, Billy showed up ten minutes later in a rather crappy Ford Forester whose better days looked like they had probably come in the eighties. Teddy was standing outside the building and appreciating the late-October-evening air and the unusually deserted street. He sent a ‘be back later’ text to Kate.

“You live on _Connecticut Avenue_?” Billy asked in disbelief once Teddy was in the car.

“I don’t think you understand. Kate’s family is _really_ rich, and they don’t make me pay rent,” he answered.

“ _Still_. I don’t think that if Reagan, Reagan’s mom, both of my parents, Tommy, and I _all combined_ our incomes we’d be able to pay rent in this neighborhood,” Billy said in mock disgust.

“Kate and I live in her Grandmother’s extra apartment, so we _don’t have to pay rent at all_ ,” Teddy said, a little smug. _He never did respond well to having his buttons pushed_ Teddy remembered.

“I hate you and your stupid rent agreement. Anyways, how hungry are you, there are a few Thai restaurants we could go to from here.”

The car they were in was a stick shift and Teddy was impressed that Billy handled it so well. He was impressed (read: turned on) by Billy in general. It was easier to tell under the intermittent street lights that he had really grown into his body - he was more angular, and simultaneously more muscular, than he had been at fifteen. He didn’t seem to have put any time or effort into his hair, but the cut suited his face. Snatches of pink-orange street light were caught and reflected by the accents on his bracelets and rings, and god, his hands. They looked less like claws than they had in the bar; now they seemed soft and pale and _how good would it feel to feel them again_ and Teddy followed one of them to up where it-

-snapped, breaking him out of his revelry. “Dude,” Billy said, “What do you want to do?”

Teddy shook his head to clear it. “Sorry, could you repeat that? My mind was,” Teddy waved on hand in a fashion that he hoped conveyed vague confusion, and made a face to go with it.

Billy laughed. “I get it,” he said, “school is frying my brain too. So, there’s this one place that has hot and sour soup that, and I mean this, I would happily sell my soul for, but the hostess is bitchy as hell. If you’re in a meaty mood, there’s a carry out shop on fifteenth that has massive servings of almost literally all fauna commercially produced, but they don’t do anything else well. Then, my favorite, a little mom-and-pop type thing in Georgetown that has good _everything_ and _great_ appetizers. I know they owners, and they always give me like, six times more than I need because I’m apparently too skinny - which I’m not, by the way, I work hard to maintain this level of the ‘starving bohemian’ look - but they’re really sweet people, so”

“So our choices are bitchy service, meaty meat, and your favs?” Teddy asked. Billy laughed again, and nodded. “I think I’ll go with option three.”

“Alright, Ray’s Place it is,” Billy said, shifting lanes.

“That doesn't sound very Thai,” Teddy noted.

“Maybe not, but _they’re_ very Thai. Their daughter is the TA for my Lit class.”

They bantered for the rest of the car ride, light and easy, and it only took them about twenty minutes to get to the subterranean restaurant. The dinner as a whole was light and easy, and they talked about Star Trek/Wars (though Teddy’s still a Trekkie and Billy’s still a Jedi) and books and most of the more nerd-tastic things that’ve happened since they last saw each other. They agreed that Harrison Ford would be _fantastic_ in Ender’s Game, but is too old to reprise his role where the Star Wars movies left off. They exchanged a variety of fan-theories. It was nice. The food was fantastic, and Billy was only slightly exaggerating about the portion sizes - they both had boxes to take home that would probably last days

Billy was, apparently, not good at cities and also directionally challenged, so the car (that Billy had apparently borrowed from Reagan, who was busy getting laid) was parked about five blocks away from the restaurant. They walked out laughing, both a little tipsy from the very small amount of alcohol they’d consumed; it was just enough to make the evening fuzzy around the edges and dull the brash insistency of the street and bar lights.

They turned down an alley, a shortcut, and are laughing about some stupid joke one of them had made (neither could actually remember who made it, later) when three guys hemmed them in the small area. It became quite clear what they men wanted when the one behind the two of them flicked out a switchblade.

“We don’t want any trouble,” Teddy said when he heard it snick open, already starting to shift so that his back was to the wall and Billy was behind him (which he was sure Billy didn't appreciate, but whatever).

“What makes you fags think we want _trouble_?” the one with dirty shorts who was not holding a switchblade asked.

“Nothing,” Teddy said, “so we’ll just be on our way then.” Teddy barely looked back to grab Billy’s sleeve and started to move away. He also started to shift, taller and bulkier, though not by much. He tried to keep his powers under wraps if at all possible.

“Oh, that didn't mean that we were going to let you _go_ ,” the same one said, pushing Teddy back with his forearm.

“Yeah, see we don’t want any trouble for _us_ , but we don’t mind making some trouble for _you ___two,” the one with the full arm cuff tattoos on both arms who was also not holding the switchblade said.

“I don’t want to fight you,” Teddy said, his body moving farther towards a full shift into Hulking, not entirely with his consent.

“Oh, so he doesn't _want_ to fight?” the one with the switchblade who looked a little like a rat sneered, “I didn't know we were giving fags a _choice_ now.”

Teddy’s mind spun. A fight it was, it seemed. _Keep Billy back, don’t know how much training he’s done since before_ Teddy thought, immediately going into access-and-attack mode _Go for Rat-Face first, since he’s got the knife. Then tattoos-_

“ _I_ think you should let us through,” Billy said in a stage murmur, “ _I_ think you should stay away from anyone else all evening.”

Teddy half-turned to look at his companion, and was shocked at what he saw. Billy’s hands were glowing with the fragmented and almost electrical looking mirage that his power had taken the form of before, but now it wasn't _white_. It was a grey blue, like thunder clouds. His eyes glowed too, and the visible mark of his magic on his hands made the air crack in anticipation. He looked _dangerous_.

Billy stepped forward, Teddy now taking the natural post of second. “ _I_ think you should go back home to your wives and girlfriends and ickle kiddies and _never_ show your faces after dark again. But then again, who cares what I think?” He shrugged, a mockery of indifference.

It was odd, seeing him like his, face glowing from the light still produced by his magic. He looked ethereal, like a ghost or some sort of avenging angel. The light wind stirred up by the magic moved his hair into some sort of ephemeral halo, and Teddy assumed he’d look even more dangerous and terrible from the position of the men he was threatening.

“I’d go,” he said, moving a bit closer to the nearest one, “ _now_.”

They scattered.

Billy had been holding his hands out, but they came down as he very _very_ slowly let the tension out of his shoulders. His whole body deflated and he sunk so he was kneeling, one foot still firmly planted on the ground. As the magic started seeping back into the air (or back into Billy’s body, Teddy couldn't tell) Teddy also knelt, to his right, close enough to be seen in periphery. But Billy’s eyes were closed, and he was taking measured breaths that told Teddy he was holding something down, whether it was panic or-

Teddy put a hand on Billy’s shoulder, and felt him tense, his entire body ready to move, to fight. Teddy rubbed his hand back and forth. “Are you okay?” he asked, lowly.

“Do you get it now, Teddy?” Billy asked, just as quiet. He didn’t open his eyes, but his face turned towards Teddy as if in conversation. “Do you get why I can’t go back?”

Teddy sighed. “Billy-”

The other sprung up, and away. He opened his eyes, and they’d lost the cloud blue-grey color, but were bloodshot through the whites and it made it look like he was literally bleeding through they eyes. In the same moment, “No, Teddy, I don’t think you _do_ understand. I want to go track those guys down and fucking _murder_ them, I want to _see_ them _bleed_ , okay?” Billy put his head on his forearms on the brick wall of the alley, and pounded his fist against it once. “I can’t do that, Teddy, I can’t risk the temptation. I can’t see people I...” he trailed off, as if unsure how to continue, “care about get hurt because of me, because it would happen. It could happen so easily, Teddy, you have _no_ idea.”

Teddy stood, and crossed so he was next to him leaning against the wall. He put a hand on Billy’s back again, and this time he leaned into it. Before either one could think the better of it, Billy was winding his arms around Teddy’s neck and they just stood there, Billy still taking measured breaths and Teddy trying to memorize his new smell.

(It occurred to Teddy that he still had Billy’s old smell in his head: that shitty deodorant and something teenager-y and lilacs, just hidden beneath the surface. He liked the new smell - that shitty deodorant and lemons and something spicy - better than the old one. It also occurred to Teddy that this was the first physical contact they’d shared since he’d seen Billy again.

Teddy savored Billy’s scent and the feel of his body because he didn't know when he’d be able to experience either one again.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! If there's anyone who might be interested, I'm looking for a beta on this fic. [Shoot me an ask](passiveaggressivegummybear.tumblr.com/ask/) if you're interested! (Actually, shoot me a couple of asks, because my tumblr inbox only works about half the time).


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No recommended listening for this one :(

Wanda invited him to come to the city to spend the summer with her (and Tommy, and Pietro). He declined, citing the city. She very unsubtly implied that she thought he was being a coward, but arraigned for the two of them to go to Germany alone for July.

“You’re my son, and the world can wait,” she had said when he asked if the Avengers could spare her for that time, “Besides, they haven’t completely come ‘round to trusting me again. That’s something you’ll probably know of, too.”

Wanda had a house there, a manor really, with an area in what had been the dungeons renovated specifically for training, and train they do. “Even if you never use it,” Wanda had said when Billy told her he would not be going back to being a superhero again, “You still need to know how to control it. If you don’t, more people will end up getting hurt.” (He hadn’t been able to argue with her logic, on that.)

Before they even started working on magic, though, Wanda made him do drills. And drills. And more drills; all the ups, obstacle courses, running around the estate (he resolutely _did not_ ask how she had gotten this place) weight training, the whole nine (or nine million, as Billy’s body screamed at him) yards. He thought he’d been in good shape before, from track, but now he was almost cut - that he was still lanky was neither here nor there. When he and Wanda went into the neighboring town, people started staring at _him_ , not just her, and it was nice. To be looked at.

However, it wasn’t until they started actually training with magic that Billy started actually getting the shit kicked out of him.

The day they started, after a two-hour long warm up for Billy, she was stretching as she asked, “What did you do to control your powers before?”

“I umm,” he said, eloquently, “I wanted things really hard.”

She nodded. “That’s as good a system as any. Is that all?”

“Well, summoning lightning came first, on its own. And I could hover without wishing for it,” Billy said, “And light came up, on its own, it was the mark that I was about to do something. That sort of thing?”

“Yes,” she was still stretching, her hands in front of her, “were they tied to your emotions at all?”

Billy shrugged, joining her stretch. “Only in the sense that it was easier to want things when I was angry. The first time I did anything, I was trying to protect a kid from getting beat up.”

“Alright,” she said, standing up. “I want you to try to call it up. Don’t do anything with it, just give me the manifestation of your power.”

Billy took a deep breath, and focused. Not on _wanting_ anything. He felt around the edges of his magic, where it seemed to always sit, waiting, behind his solar plexus (it made it really difficult to tell if was nauseous or not, the magic pressing there) and let it expand. He felt it move, traverse his body as if his arms were hollow and his bones were only place markers of pathways for it, and then slowed it down; he bound it to his hands so that he could keep it under control.

Billy didn’t open his eyes, just breathed deeply and kept worked on keeping it in stasis, despite the fact that it was a volatile thing that wanted to move. Some days Billy felt like his magic was a consciousness of its own. (When he lived in New York, sometimes he felt like if he lost control of his magic, it’d take over him and he’d lose himself).

Wanda said, “I need you to open your eyes, Billy, and I need you to _stay calm_.”

Billy did, and when he did he nearly lost control of his magic. The color of the manifestation had turned from the previous light blue to a dark, ominous grey. It used to stay pretty localized to around his hands, too, but now it wanted to move up his arms and spread from his hands. It looked like grey fire, ready to consume him.

“Billy, put it back. Take control of it,” she said softly. 

It was still a command, though, and Billy did as she commanded. He closed his eyes again, and felt it, unwillingly, seep back into his center. He felt sick to his stomach again, from the pressure. Billy felt like his knees might give out, so he sank to the floor in a crouch, his fingertips stabilizing him on the ground, but that paled in comparison to a stabbing pain between his eyes. Wanda came and put her hands on the side of his face. They were cool and made him feel safe. She tipped his head back, and he opened his eyes.

When he did, he almost screamed; it was like the white balance of the world had been turned up so much that it _burned_. He squeezed his eyes shut again, and put the heels of his hands on them. He could feel the tears escaping, and Wanda seemed to clutch him even if she couldn’t hold him any tighter. He could picture the exact look of worry that she had on her face.

(She only had one worried face because she knew she could fix nearly everything, if she tried hard enough.)

XXX

Billy ended up spending most of the next two days in bed, listening to the sounds of a German manor outside (that means birds and the wind and occasionally a car). His eyes were better, but still tender, and he didn’t want to tempt it by using them too much.

Wanda told him that when he pulled the magic up, his eyes had clouded over with the same grey as his hands. It was worrying, but not enough for her not to make him come back to the training room.

“Where is your power centered?” she asked him, “I didn’t ask before because I didn’t think it was developed enough to be an entity yet, but obviously that’s not the case.”

He put a finger on his solar plexus and said, “Right behind here.”

She crossed the room and put a hand on his chest, and he could feel her trying to feel it with her power. It was weird, invasive, and it made him squirm. He didn’t break eye contact though, and she moved her hand after a moment.

“Try again. What we did on monday,” Billy hadn’t known that that day was Monday, “but this time, don’t close your eyes.” She backed away from him, ostensibly to watch.

Billy let his arms hang at his sides, and still maintained eye contact as he let the magic out. Today it felt good, to let it escape from his middle. It was hot as it ran down, just under the surface, and Billy liked the burn, and it wasn’t in his eyes.

“Your eyes changed color, with that last blink,” Wanda said evenly.

“Alright,” Billy said, just as even, “what should I do?”

“Try letting some out. Shoot something, with the lightning,” Wanda directed.

“Okay,” Billy said, and lifted his right hand. One of the walls came down, with very little effort.

Wanda nodded, obviously pleased, and said, “Now let it go, Billy. _You_ are in control, not the magic.”

His eyes didn’t hurt this time.

XXX

Billy and Wanda ended up staying in Germany for six weeks, instead of four, but they spent the last two going about the countryside and enjoying themselves generally. Billy skyped his Mom, and she was vaguely worried about being surpassed in mom value, but Billy assured her that there was no danger of that. Wanda was fantastic, but there was still something to be said for the fact that Rebecca Kaplan _raised_ him.

The day before he was slated to fly back to the States, Wanda came into his bedroom at the manner and sat on his bed.

“I am not the most maternal of people,” she started.

“Oh no. We’re about to have a feelings-y family talk, aren’t we?” he asked, deadpan.

“Yes, we are. And don’t interrupt me, it’s rude. Anyways, I am not a maternal person, at all, actually, so I feel absolutely no qualms about saying that I think that by not going to New York you’re deflecting,” she said, with some vitriol, “There’s a memorial that Kate and Teddy are putting on at the end of August, just before your semester starts. I think you should go.”

Billy was still holding an iPad, and he felt rather shell shocked. This was the most honest and most blunt conversation he’d ever had with Wanda. “No,” he said, after a minute, “and I already have one parent who’s a shrink, I don’t need another one, thanks.”

“Why?” she asked automatically.

Billy sighed, and thought, his eyes slipping into middle distance. Be looked back up at her and bit his lip. “Because I don’t want to,” he said.

“Why not?” The question was no longer a question, and it was just as automatic as her last response.

“I,” Billy started, “I don’t really know. I guess...I’m trying to be a different person than I was there? I don’t know, I just don’t want to see them.”

Wanda sighed. “It’s fine to reinvent yourself,” she said, “but don’t do it at the expense of the people you care about.”

XXX

Billy didn’t go to the memorial. He spent that weekend in Las Vegas going to museums with Reagan (the number of quality museums in Vegas was astounding) and Not Thinking About It.

XXX

Apparently Reagan always threw a party two days before the start of every term.

(“Of _course_ we need two days, Billy, we’re going to get drunk off our asses and have unprotected sex and all the girls are going to need a day for the morning after pill,” Harmony explained to him while they did the pre-party shopping. It was hard to argue with her, because she was right.)

It was at this party that Billy met Jared, a class-A asshole that apparently went to debate nationals over the summer (which meant he was actually a class-utilitarianism asshole, according to Reagan, but semantics). He didn’t know any of this until later, not even the boy’s name, though.

He wasn’t expressly _handsome_ , but he had an interesting face that made Billy want to keep looking at it, and with about six times as much social lubricant (read: shots) than Billy had ever consumed at one time, they fell into sloppily making out on the bed in one of the guest bedrooms of Reagan’s too big and too empty house. Though he wasn’t pretty in the face, he was a fantastic kisser, and the next morning Billy expressly thought he remembered that he gave great head, too (though that might have been wishful thinking) and that morning Billy woke up, for the first time in what felt like years, not thinking of Teddy.

XXX

Billy didn’t see Jared again until six weeks into the semester, as he had been too ashamed to ask Reagan who the guy he went to bed with was. He was debating Reagan at the first meet of the semester (Billy was there for Reagan’s moral support). Jared and Reagan debated, and Billy watched in fascination as two people tore each other apart with their words while keeping it civil and clean, and he decided in that moment that a) Reagan was meant to be an attorney, and b) that he wanted to find a job where his words would only hurt people if they deserved it and he was good enough.

It was on this day, at this debate tournament that Billy realized that he hadn’t changed at all. He still wanted to make the world a better place, but now he wouldn’t be wearing a cape.

He liked this plan.

XXX

Billy ended up dating Jared for about four weeks. Billy finally understood was a class-utilitarianism asshole was: someone who decided that if a relationship was taking too much time from the rest of his life, he’d end it. Billy found that this applied to _all_ of Jared’s relationships, including the one with his dad. So they ended it, mutually, and went their separate ways.

XXX

Wanda called over Thanksgiving and told Billy that he needed to keep practicing his magic. His parents cleaned the garage out so he had space to do so. He still didn’t enjoy it.

XXX

Billy applied to be the director of the sports page at the school newspaper, because he thought he’d be featured more often if he chose a subject his classmates _actually cared_ about. He got the job because the previous person had had to quit pending the Hockey season (that there was hockey in Phoenix was perpetually mystifying to Billy). He was right, though, and got quite a few auxiliary pieces published by virtue of being the only good writer on the paper.

XXX

Billy dated a tall and very Aryan-looking boy named James over Christmas break. He was in town to visit his aunt, and met Billy on the first day. They had a relatively fun time, but he lived in Iowa, and neither of them wanted to be tied down.

“Maybe we’ll meet again some day,” James had said while hoisting his duffle bag into the back of his aunt’s car.

“Maybe,” Billy had said, smiling, “I kind of doubt it, though.”

“So do I,” he had responded, “But it’s nice to dream. Goodbye, Billy.”

James was Billy’s favorite of the people he dated in Phoenix.

XXX

Billy started googling colleges with good journalism programs after he aced all of his classes in his first semester of Junior Year.

XXX

The boyfriends started to run together. They had their own stories, and they were mostly nice (or at least interesting), but Billy didn’t really connect with any of them. It was around spring break that he realized that the connection he wasn’t feeling was because none of them were Teddy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, I _still_ need a beta for this fic. Come see me at passiveaggressivegummybear.tumblr.com/ask if you're interested.
> 
> Factoid that no one wants or cares about: the chakra focusing on power is behind your solar plexus. It is my head canon that Wanda's power centers from her third eye (perception) and the reason Billy gets blinded is because he could change anything around his perception and this magic kind of exploded around his eyes.


End file.
